On the john

I sat on the toilet and noticed a woodlouse on the wall to my right. After a few seconds a tiny shit fell from it's woodlouse arse. I felt an overpowering bond with the creature.

                                                               s

omswe

Slacks are great

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For future reference, instead of pickling biscuits and gherkins just glaze with a thin coating of PVA glue. They last much longer this way and the taste isn't at all diluted.

This either will or will not work

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Tips.

Here's a good set of tips to remember when you're out buying yourself a new set of garments to dress yourself in;

1. Never buy Superdry brand garments, they're horrible and you'll look like a right arsehole when wearing them.

2. If you're not able to find garments for the lower part of your body (a.k.a trousers, pants) you could turn the garment's used for upper body purposes (a.k.a sweaters, t-shirts) upside down. Legs fit perfectly inside arm sleeves. And hey presto! A trendy new pair of saggy crotched shorts with a ventilation hole for those hot, hazy summer days.

3. If you approaching 40 try double denim; a light washed denim shirt with light washed denim jeans, favourably tucked in. It's a killer look but hard to pull off at any other age.

4. When in the changing room trying on new slacks always remember to keep your underwear on. It is, for some reason, inappropriate to wear clothes that yet belong to you with no under layers covering your genitalia.

5. Women always date men on how distingished they look. When buying clothes for the initial meeting with a lady you are courting make sure to buy some sort of official looking hat. This could be; a sea captain's cap, a foreman's hard helmet or sheriff's starred stetsons.

Today I saw a cat ride down a river upon a duck's back. It made me feel better about the relationship I have with the people I meet on my everyday errands.